Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Stop the World, I want to get off

Today I put in my request to suspend my studies. To be honest I have mixed feeling about this.
The idea of suspending was first put on the table earlier this year, back in April or May, when I was really suffering quite badly, and so was my work. At the time I was more interested in the idea, as I was willing to do pretty much anything to make the world go away. Unfortunately, my supervisors weren't so keen and convinced me to stick at it for the time being.
Although my mood and productivity have both improved in the time since then, I am still not 100% and also need to work extra hard to try and make up for the time lost when I was worse. As a result of this, in the past month or so positions have switched with my supervisors feeling suspension to be necessary and me not being so keen.
While the benefits of suspending might seem clear (time to get myself together, time to catch up and much less pressure on my rate of productivity), this hasn't been an easy decision for me. Not only would suspending mean  I will go through a period where I will not receive my stipend (money) but I also feel a lot of guilt and shame about not being good enough to finish this thing in the 'normal' way, like everyone else. In all honesty, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure.
I've gone through a fair amount of soul searching and reasoning in the past few weeks, which hasn't exactly been fun. In the end I've had to accept that suspension is probably the only real option for me if I actually want to finish, no matter how bad it makes me feel about myself. On finally making the arrangements today I felt very despondent, like all the hard work I've put in over the past few months has been for nothing and that my attempts to hold things together have failed, leaving my world in pieces on the ground around me. Needless to say, I'm not in a super frame of mind right now.
Hopefully it will work out for the best.

Best Wishes,
Betty
x

Monday, 28 November 2011

What goes up

Despite having had a pretty awesome weekend, today has been tough.
Being tired and achey as a result of my weekends activities certainly hasn't helped my mood, but I do seem to have a tendency to feel low after having had fun. Like having fun takes up so much emotional energy that afterwards I'm drained and can't even feel ok.
It has been a real struggle to get myself to do anything of any purpose today. In the end all I've really achieved is copying slides out of an old presentation into a new one. Although, that is better than having done nothing!
I really dislike these days. The kind of days that really remind you that you have depression, that there is an aspect of your mood that is almost beyond your control and doesn't work in a logical way.
I'm trying not to dwell on this too much. Hopefully, after a good nights sleep, I will feel better tomorrow. I don't want to expect to feel lousy again as sometimes that only works to guarantee I will feel lousy.

Fingers crossed,
Hope you are ok,
Betty
x

Friday, 25 November 2011

Thank You

This is a bit of a cheat post, as I'm just going to link you to my other blog :/
Yesterday was Thanksgiving so I wrote about things I am thankful for. I am in a decent place at the moment so it's not too hard to think about the good things, but even if you're in a dark place I think writing down even one thing you are thankful for can be helpful. Even if it is really small, it's a starting point. Be thankful for central heating, having food in your cupboards, a song that makes you feel better, anything!
The hardest part is usually remembering the good things when you feel low; try putting the things you are thankful for on a post-it note and sticking it next to your bed or on a mirror, somewhere you will see it in the morning as a reminder.

This is my post from yesterday;

Hope you are keeping well,
Betty
x

Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Rediscovery

Rediscovery of this blog, that is.
I'm very, very sorry about my absence. It hasn't been related to my mood particularly, in that, I haven't felt especially good or bad in a way that would stop me from blogging. Mostly, I think I have been in a bit of denial about depression; trying to hope it will go away by ignoring it and trying to get on with my life, rather than accepting it and actively working to make things better.
That's only something that I've realised in the past few weeks, and it has made a difference to my behaviour and mood. Denial might not have a negative effect, but it prevents the action necessary for positive effects. I always thought that accepting depression would increase its unwanted impacts on my life; walking up and reminding myself that I have depression so that I remember to do something to counteract it. With the help of my therapist, I have learnt that that doesn't have to be the case. I can be mindful of my mental health and general well being without depression being an all-pervading entity. I am not waking up and reminding myself I am depressed, I am waking up and reminding myself to do something to make me feel good today. Whether you're depressed or not, that's a pretty good way to start a day! I've not perfected it yet, surprisingly, but I am trying; sometimes that's all you can do.
I hope to be blogging here much more often with things I have been trying and how they have or haven't worked for me.

I hope you are all doing well,
Betty
x