Wednesday, 30 November 2011

Stop the World, I want to get off

Today I put in my request to suspend my studies. To be honest I have mixed feeling about this.
The idea of suspending was first put on the table earlier this year, back in April or May, when I was really suffering quite badly, and so was my work. At the time I was more interested in the idea, as I was willing to do pretty much anything to make the world go away. Unfortunately, my supervisors weren't so keen and convinced me to stick at it for the time being.
Although my mood and productivity have both improved in the time since then, I am still not 100% and also need to work extra hard to try and make up for the time lost when I was worse. As a result of this, in the past month or so positions have switched with my supervisors feeling suspension to be necessary and me not being so keen.
While the benefits of suspending might seem clear (time to get myself together, time to catch up and much less pressure on my rate of productivity), this hasn't been an easy decision for me. Not only would suspending mean  I will go through a period where I will not receive my stipend (money) but I also feel a lot of guilt and shame about not being good enough to finish this thing in the 'normal' way, like everyone else. In all honesty, it makes me feel like a bit of a failure.
I've gone through a fair amount of soul searching and reasoning in the past few weeks, which hasn't exactly been fun. In the end I've had to accept that suspension is probably the only real option for me if I actually want to finish, no matter how bad it makes me feel about myself. On finally making the arrangements today I felt very despondent, like all the hard work I've put in over the past few months has been for nothing and that my attempts to hold things together have failed, leaving my world in pieces on the ground around me. Needless to say, I'm not in a super frame of mind right now.
Hopefully it will work out for the best.

Best Wishes,

1 comment:

  1. You're far from a failure. Tough decisions are made by tough people. It may be a battle lost but not the war.
    Feeling low is just the bodies way of saying "time for cake"
    I jest. If you reread your bloggs (Leopard and Black)there's a strong undercurrant of good sense, humour and fight :-)