Saturday, 20 August 2011

There's just no helping some people

Unfortunately, I think I may be one of those people.
I don't mean that to sound like I don't think I'll ever get better and that there's no point in trying as nothing will work. It's more like a realisation that some part of me does sabotage my own happiness, and that needs to be addressed before anything really positive can stick.
I'm thinking as I type here, and some of this might get a little heavy.
I have been told I'm my own worst enemy before, but I think I'm finally starting to realise how many problems I do create for myself, both consciously and unconsciously.
I have been depressed, on and off, and to greater or lesser extents, for over 10 years. As such, it has become part of who I know myself to be. Although it's difficult to say, I don't know who I am without being depressed. I don't know what not being depressed involves.
I don't properly know what makes me happy, in a sustained, long term way.
It's something that I have discussed with my therapist but, as perverse as it sounds, I am afraid of not being depressed. Because it's unfamiliar. Because I feel secure in the life pattern I have established. Because depression brings something to my life that I worry I will lose if I am not depressed. I think I worry that if I'm 'fine', people won't care anymore.
I don't know what to do about this yet. It going to involve some serious restructuring of my thought processes, and some serious motivation. In one of those awful depression Catch-22 situations, thinking about these things leaves me in absolutely no frame of mind to do anything about it.

Hope you are ok,

Friday, 12 August 2011

Here I Go Again. On My Own

Not totally unsurprsingly, I've taken a bit of a turn for the worse. Two weeks of almost non-stop work in largely self imposed solitary confinement probably wouldn't do much for the most chipper of people.
Being on my own has always been something I've struggled with. After six weeks of managing to deal with the fact that my boyfriend is 7 time zones away, and I having not made any notable advances in my relationships with other people, this week has just been too much. I want him to come home so much. For six weeks, the exciting plans of how good things would be when he got home, going away and me being generally happier, were enough to keep me going. Now, realising I'm still only half way through, I've lost that focus and all I can feel is the pain of the separation.
I'm in that place where I can't even see anything that will make me feel better.
Welcome Back,
Black Betty

Tuesday, 2 August 2011


So, yet another long delay between posts due to being busy and actually getting along pretty well, mostly. While things haven't been perfect, I would say I've had a greater proportion of good times than I would consider usual for me.
I've always doubted the benefits of exercise for depression, but I really do put a lot of my improved mood down to the significant increase in the amount I have been exercising. I didn't start doing it to improve my mood, I wanted to lose weight, which I have started to do. I suppose part of the lifted mood is likely to be due to the fact that I have lost a few pounds, but I'm pretty sure it's more than just that. It has taken a while to get used to doing more exercise, it wasn't nice at first, it was hard, I got sweaty, I ached, I felt sick and I often felt exhausted afterwards. But, even after just a week it was getting better, and now, slightly more than 3 weeks on, I feel better when I have done some exercise than when I haven't. I still wouldn't go so far as to say I enjoy the actual workout/exercise experience, but the after effects and benefits are definitely worth it as far as I'm concerned.
I know it can take a lot of effort, an incredible indescribable amount of effort to pick yourself up and do something, anything, even the smallest thing, like getting out of bed. At times like that, exercise is the furthest thing from your mind. Sometimes you just have to take those days, I still have days when I can't get out of bed, but I try to keep it to just one day. Small steps are always going to be easier than big leaps, so take your bed day, but try harder to get up the next day, then try going for a walk the day after that, then slowly work some exercise into your day. Routine can also be really helpful in managing depression. Having a 'routine' for dealing with bad periods can help prevent you getting sucked into the black pit and feeling like there's no way out. Don't let yourself get lost in the depression.
Now, I know I'm going through an ok period, so it's easy to say these things and not always as easy to do them. All you need to do is try. Try a little bit every day and eventually it will pay off. Always give yourself credit for trying, even if you don't get any major results. I've gone from someone who can't get out of bed to someone who's exercising 5 times a week and has lost 5 pounds in 3 weeks. If I can, you can at least give it a shot ;)

I hope you're keeping well,