Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Expectations

Is it wrong to have expectations?
Surely we all have expectations of places, events and even other people.
So why do I feel guilty to admit that there are certain things I expect from other people? I feel it makes me sound selfish and unreasonable. Maybe it would sit more easily is I said there are things I hope for from other people.
When I say this, I really don't think I'm being unreasonable, I'm not asking too much, mostly just to be treated as I like to treat them.
I've had a long discussion with my therapist about this this evening; reoccuring patterns in relationships and how they can be explained, things that I do that set up repetitive dynamics in my interactions with other people.
I am not a perfect person and I am not a perfect friend, but I do often feel let down by some of my experiences with other people. I just want to be treated with the same care and respect as I try to treat them. I want to feel like I matter. Part of the problem is probably that I don't fully know what I want or expect, and these things change. I should be more open.
Now, usually I would put feeling like this down to my 'screwed up depression perspective', the thing that is so often blamed for the things I think, say and feel. My therapist had an interesting and reasonably philosophical take on this; there is no such thing as reality, only the way we perceive things, while different people perceive things differently, everyone's individual perspective is their own reality. So basically, if I percieve my relationships as being deficient in some way, not giving me what I need, then that is the reality.
I don't want anyone reading this to feel I'm having a go at them. Firstly, if you're bothering to read this, you're probably one of my better friends :) Also, this is an ongoing process and I have a role to play in fixing things. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I don't know if I need to make changes in my own behaviour or if I need to express my needs and expectations more clearly to other people, most likely it's both.
This isn't about judging, it's about learning and understanding.
I'm really enjoying my current course of therapy, if that's the right word, I'm enjoying the conversations, it's interesting and enlightening, I'm able to see things about myself that now seem so obvious, but I wasn't aware of before, and I'm able to look at things in ways I never have before. Progress isn't exactly rapid, knowing and doing are quite different things, particularly when you have depression, but I am hoping to make changes and the therapy is helping to highlight things I might try doing differently.

Hope you are well,
Betty
x

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