Monday, 18 July 2011

Ebb and Flow

I apologise for yet another prolonged absence. I am pleased to report that this time is not the result of depression related incapacity, but rather due to being caught up in sustaining some positive advances.
Re-establishing a bit of balance, in terms of finding other things to do with my time, other than work or think about work, has (in a paradoxical sort of way) boosted my overall productivity. Using less time but in a more focused and organised way has allowed me to make much better progress. I'm still not doing as much as I like or think I should be doing, but that's another issue. I took a step back to consider how I was approaching my work and have, as a result, come up with a much better way of tackling small chunks rather than big, daunting tasks. I do still lose my focus from time to time, but getting back into small jobs is much easier than trying to find your place in a sea of possible tasks.

I have also been making much more effort towards losing weight. While I'm not fat, I do have a few extra pounds round my middle and generally I don't look the way I want to look, and have been intending to do something about it for some time. The past week and a half I have been very carefully (but sensibly) watching what I eat and doing an increasing amount of exercise. When I got on the scales yesterday I weighed 10 stone and 10 pounds, down from a fairly consistent 11 stone. So that was a loss of 4 pounds, and I felt really good about it. For some reason today I was back up at 10 stone 12 pounds, which didn't make me feel so good, but I'm hoping it's just a blip.

I also got my hair cut last week, and now it's much more 'me'. I was trying to grow it before, but it had become awfully lacklustre and I couldn't really get it to do anything. I really didn't think a haircut could make so much difference to the way I feel, but it really has :)

I'm really going to try to avoid only posting here when I feel lousy. For a start, you don't just want to hear me moaning on all the time. Secondly, just speaking about the bad times isn't useful or inspiring to anyone, the good times, what brings them and what sustains them are very important things to remember and share.
In all honesty, I haven't been feeling as good today as I have for the past 5 or 6 days. The weight thing wasn't helpful, especially as the first thing I did in the day. Getting into work after the weekend was a bit of a struggle. On top of that, the weather here is really lousy today, patchy rain and actually quite cool (I'm actually wearing a jumper, in July). I have therapy tonight, and I may have to discuss some of the things going through my head today. While I have been feeling good, I am very aware that it isn't a long term, sustainable feeling, that something could quite easily knock me and make me feel worse again. Now, I know I shouldn't dwell on that kind of thinking, but I really want to get myself into a secure good place, while feeling good can't be bad, it would be better if I was confident it could last and that I can be resilient against potential knocks.

Here's to stability, happy stability.

Wednesday, 6 July 2011


Is it wrong to have expectations?
Surely we all have expectations of places, events and even other people.
So why do I feel guilty to admit that there are certain things I expect from other people? I feel it makes me sound selfish and unreasonable. Maybe it would sit more easily is I said there are things I hope for from other people.
When I say this, I really don't think I'm being unreasonable, I'm not asking too much, mostly just to be treated as I like to treat them.
I've had a long discussion with my therapist about this this evening; reoccuring patterns in relationships and how they can be explained, things that I do that set up repetitive dynamics in my interactions with other people.
I am not a perfect person and I am not a perfect friend, but I do often feel let down by some of my experiences with other people. I just want to be treated with the same care and respect as I try to treat them. I want to feel like I matter. Part of the problem is probably that I don't fully know what I want or expect, and these things change. I should be more open.
Now, usually I would put feeling like this down to my 'screwed up depression perspective', the thing that is so often blamed for the things I think, say and feel. My therapist had an interesting and reasonably philosophical take on this; there is no such thing as reality, only the way we perceive things, while different people perceive things differently, everyone's individual perspective is their own reality. So basically, if I percieve my relationships as being deficient in some way, not giving me what I need, then that is the reality.
I don't want anyone reading this to feel I'm having a go at them. Firstly, if you're bothering to read this, you're probably one of my better friends :) Also, this is an ongoing process and I have a role to play in fixing things. I'm not sure how I'm going to do this, I don't know if I need to make changes in my own behaviour or if I need to express my needs and expectations more clearly to other people, most likely it's both.
This isn't about judging, it's about learning and understanding.
I'm really enjoying my current course of therapy, if that's the right word, I'm enjoying the conversations, it's interesting and enlightening, I'm able to see things about myself that now seem so obvious, but I wasn't aware of before, and I'm able to look at things in ways I never have before. Progress isn't exactly rapid, knowing and doing are quite different things, particularly when you have depression, but I am hoping to make changes and the therapy is helping to highlight things I might try doing differently.

Hope you are well,