Thursday, 23 June 2011

Bringing things up to date

I don't even have the brain power to come up with a snappy title. Sorry for the lack of posting, I just haven't been able to bring myself to write.
Last week I was away with my family. It was nice, it was good to be somewhere else, away from things that bring me down and where the sun was shining. I even let myself relax a little bit, but not completely. I couldn't completely forget about all the things that usually fill my head, especially work and my relationships with my friends. I had a few emotional moments, that also made me feel guilty for bringing other people down on their holiday. On the last day I was very, very tense and nervous and scared at the prospect of returning home and having to deal with everything again, with the added pressure of having done nothing for a week.
The days since I got back have, unsurprisingly, been pretty bad. I feel absolutely wretchid. I'm finding it hard to function and spend a large portion of my time doing very little, just laying or sitting, in a state of near paralysis from fear and confusion and pain. I'm barely able to get enough brain cells firing to acheive anything in my work, which increases my anxiety and fear about my progress and makes me even less productive.
I hate this so much. I have next to no interest in anything, practically no motivation and am struggling to see the point in most things. I get so frustrated with myself, with anger building up but I don't know what to do with it. If I had the choice, I wouldn't be spending time with me right now, so I'm isolating myself.
I don't know what to do, I don't know what I can do.


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