Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Falling Apart at the Seams

That's how I feel sometimes, like I'm falling apart at the seams, everything is going wrong and I just can't hold thing together.
Today has been a little like that.
So my day began with an email from my supervisor, asking to meet up tomorrow afternoon. That instantly sent my head into a spin of anxiety and fear and confusion. Explaining things in an email I can just about cope with, but the thought of having to explain myself and think on the spot in a face to face meeting strikes me with a paralysing fear. It took a good while before I was able to process anything other than that panic, which resulted in a lot of wasted time and the associated guilt of not getting on with my work.
I have slightly calmed myself with the acceptance that I have to have this meeting at some point and what happens happens, hopefully I won't have to make any decisions on the spot. I had hoped that I wouldn't have to see my supervisor until after I'd seen my therapist, which is tomorrow evening. I need to talk through the possibility of taking time out, which currently fills me with feelings of inadequacy.

Trying to take some positives;
Writing the post on how to help a friend with depression yesterday was a pretty big deal, both in tackling things that I think people could do to be more helpful and in actually having the brain power to write it, so I feel reasonably good about that.
I did get some work done today and completed one step, granted it's a step that should only have taken a day and has taken more like 3, but it's done. The next stage is almost exactly the same, so I've not got over the monotony, but I've progressed.

Tonight I am going to order pizza, well two pizzas as it's two for Tuesdays, but I intend to keep some to have tomorrow. If I eat two pizzas then I really am going to feel guilty.


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